So this got me thinking...

A lot of the little things in life make me happy. Silly little things that not everyone notices, like when you get the crackers with burnt edges. When I catch my foot right before stepping on a snail. The smell right before it rains. Sometimes when I pick the right key the first time to lock my door. Just enough juice left to get one cup. How the stars look at night, even with all this light pollution. How cute Ellen Page and Michael Cera are in Juno. Ladybugs. When it's really foggy in the morning and you can't see. How good cracked paint looks. Old shows like professor iris and read all about it. Funny words like race car. How tasty pumpkin pie is.

But mostly, the way the sun looks so happy after a thunderstorm.

First Snow

So I just walked outside to find the present of life. It's snowing. And my reaction was that of a two year old who didn't know what this was but thought it was a magical sign from some mystical place. Okay, maybe I took it a little out of proportion but I don't care.

I love love love the first snow fall. I've come to realize it just reminds me when I was younger and snow was so amazing. I'd be sitting in class and there would be the one kid that would scream "It's Snowing!" and everyone would rush the windows of the class room to see it snow. I miss these simple times and I like to take these moments as I get older to sit back and remember. I love snow because to me, it means way more then having to shovel, and salt, and the flu. It means, Friends, Family, Scarfs, Hot Chocolate, Sitting on front porches for hours, all the tiny little things that seem so insignificant but really mean a lot when you think about it. I just love snow.

Bum-bum-buhhh.

I have a lot to complain about. So much it usually consumes most of my thoughts, and lately I've just come to realize I should be a lot happier with what I have. I have a family, as scattered as it is, that loves me to the worlds end, friends who I wouldn't trade for anything, and I'm surrounded by positive people.

High school was an interesting time for me. I wasn't the "cool" kid or anything close. I came into grade nine as a new kid and knew no one. I was a lost little puppy and much like a deer in headlights. I was so scared of being hurt, or showing I was hurt I just put a wall up. I just always as second nature had this wall up and I don't know why. I need to start doing things without thinking. I need to fall flat on my face and realize what is wrong.

I've come really far from where I used to be, but more and more I want to be the polar opposite.

Hi, How are you?

We really do live in a messed up world. And its all our fault.

I'm as guilty of it as much as anyone else, but we just consume as much as possible. By consumption I'm not talking only literally, as in resources we consume at idiotic levels but in all senses of consume. We try to grasp everything because we have a magical thing called Wikipedia, and Google. Don't get me wrong, these are both very good ways to find information about certain things and they make life much easier, but in a proverbial sense we think we're god. I'm not trying to say we're all megalomaniacs or anything, I just mean we're put into a mindset where everything we could ever want to know is at our fingertips. And although it is mostly true there is a big difference from knowing something and understanding something.

I was talking to someone and in the conversation I mentioned Daniel Johnston, and he had no idea who the man was. First instinct, Google and Wikipedia. So further along in the conversation it gets brought up again, and what, out of the entire page of information on Daniel Johnston, does he take as credible information about Daniels character, achievments and existance. Oh well he is a manic depressant.

And that's all he is? This little mental illness is now all this man is summed up as? If one person thinks this than there must be more. His music means nothing? His struggle even less? He's just a depressed person hitting away at a piano. Good to know.

Simple stuff like this blows my mind, how can you be so ignorant as to try and judge a person on something so irrelevant. It just opens your eyes to closed minds.

That's my rant really, I'm tired of people being so closed minded about everything and judging a character completely on mundane facts. But I guess we're all guilty in our own way.

The Daily Grind [revisited]

Wake up
Shape up
Clean up
Repeat.

My biggest problem is I hold onto everything I'm losing. I try to grab onto every second as it flies by, and I think about what I'm losing over where I'm going. Whats lost is gone, and gone for good.

Top eleven sad songs

I'd make a youtube video but that takes uploading and editing and cutting and pasting and time and im a lazy bitch.

Eleven - Vermillion Pt. 2 - Slipknot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoTUIe1-2fo
Ten - The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ThuXEDvCZk&feature=related
Nine - Breath Me - Sia
http://youtube.com/watch?v=U6PGrub3jUc
Eight - Our Hell - Emily Haines
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwMj8pGpIKE
Seven - Your Own Disaster - Taking Back Sunday
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP-qjM6Hd50
Six - Strange & Beautiful - Aqualung
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6TsudVtVKo&feature=related
Five - Street Spirit - Radiohead
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrZTNhW44-o
Four - Between The Bars (cover) - Emily Haines
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM5kCRrZ2ZE
Three - Mercury Rising - From Autumn To Ashes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp_93eIFYRo
Two - Sunday Drive - The Early November
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BiNUCc2wcQ&feature=related
One - 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHW3BTF5pWY

You may not agree with any of this, but thats the point of this, it is MY top ten, so i have personal attachments to certain songs on that list which make them sad songs to me.

Cheer Up Mr. Grumpy.

This has turned into the typical apathetic shitty blog and I hate it. So on a lighter note I want to just have a memory of days and people I never want to forget.

Confession.

Late at night, when everything is quiet and all i can hear is my own thoughts, I can feel myself growing up. Changing and growing apart more and more from people I held close and it scares me. It scares me enough to stay awake and want to live in the last moment, then the last, then the last. I hate this.

What I'll never admit.

Some days I feel pointless. I feel boring, and a waste of space. I want to scream till you look at me, but you don't. I'm trying to hold it together but the more I do, it feels like everything is falling apart. This is to the nights where smoke filled the air, the nights we couldn't walk, or talk, or remember. This is to everything up to now.
Drink up baby.

What`s next?

First off, I agree with raising awareness for all the following causes, and I personally try to help out in anyway possible, but keeping that in mind I postulate:

For a while now there has been the "Go Green!" campaign, cause, charity, whatever you'd like to call it. Just reiterating, I agree completely, I think we all need to try harder and I try in many ways to help, but anyway. I think this has had a good run kind of getting the word out and I see the point for it, but it could have been WAY better, not trying to say I have all these idea that could make it go way further, I just don't feel as if saying "come on guys! change your natural ways of living! its FUN!" is the most effective method of getting people to change.

On top of this, I was watching TV and saw their new save the world attempt. As if not learning from the past, the new "campaign" is Go Blue. If you don't know about this it's all about water conservation and watching how much we use. Once again, I try to abide by this, but its just gets to a point where I feel any of my attempts at this are redundant. I know that one person can make a difference, but I think that is a little out of perspective of the entire world in context to water usage.

I don't disagree with these, and think they are useful but whats next? Go Clear! a campaign for cleaner air? I know this is just a big shot at the advertising of these platforms, but I just think we can do such a better job and government money is being wasted advertising this.

I'm sure you know the saying "kids are minds of tomorrow" or something like that, just basically the younger generation is going to grow up to be tomorrows older generation. Anyway, start with them. Teach them all this, teach them to have more earth friendly habits. Spend money infiltrating the school with all this information, force it down their throats, I don't care!

I just get frustrated with the lack of effort, I mean sure you could say "Well... You saw the commercial, so I guess it does work." But no! That's not my only point. You also can't expect people to do complete 180's and reduce, reduce, reduce. I mean the "Go Green" has been around since the start of the new millennium, and look how little we are getting done! As for the Green, we need to stop being so lazy, and it should be stopped with any power usable. Make a cap on the amount of energy a house can receive. The only flaw in this plan is money. If we cap power usage, then the energy plants will lose money, which means job cuts, which means poverty. Anyway we look at this there is a losing side.

This is a bold statement but I don't think people understand the validity of these campaigns and our need to do what they say. Albert Einstein might not have said "When then bee's are eliminated from the earth, humans will soon parish" but am I the only one who remember the magic school bus? The entire episode on the ecological chain? Anyone? Anyone? I'm sure some of you have to remember, but in case you are drawing a blank, its just a chain of animals that depend on other animals to live and stay alive.

Anyway, I think I'm done... I'm not sure completely the point of this. Just watch what you do, because everything comes back to bite you in the ass.

Also if you want to know more about the blue or green campaign the websites are"
http://www.goblue.org and
http://www.gogreenontario.ca

And just a side note, if you're reading this and live elsewhere then Ontario, you are probably going "WTF is this idiot talking about?!" The Go "Blank" campaigns are mostly Ontario campaigns although the phrase is a world wide one.

Re: I made cheesecake

It tastes like crap.

Screw you Martha Stewart, I'm going store bought next time.

52 Random Facts

1.I like to watch the sky all the time.
2.I used to be really fat.
3.When I'm home alone I like to dance, and sing and jump around.
4.I think the word best-friends is stupid, but i use it all the time.
5.I'm a very "flavour of the week" person in a lot of ways.
6.I almost never wear socks.
7.I never leave my house without my phone.
8.Ketchup is only good with grilled cheese and mac'n'cheese.
9.I would rather hide how I'm feeling then let someone see me cry.
10.I hate when under-dogs lose.
11.I broke three of my toes by running into a pole.
12.I'm a mama's boy at heart.
13.I hate body hair.
14.I like to be in control of my body, which is why I don't do drugs or drink often.
15.If harry potter was real, I'd be his best friend.
16.I'm a huge nerd. *see above
17.Thinking up 52 facts about myself is really hard.
18.My favorite fruit is Kiwi.
19.I drink my coffee with 3 milk.
20.Some mornings I drink juice out of a mug so I feel older.
21.I like to be alone a lot.
22.Being inside too long gives me a headache.
23.The biggest downfall of modern society is money.
24.As much as I hate it, I love reality TV.
25.I don't like eating meals, I like to graze.
26.I use the delete button rather then backspace.
27.I prefer eating apple slices then a whole apple.
28.I was born two months early.
29.I can't stand old music. At all.
30.I name my stuffed animals.
31.I care a lot about how I look and how people see me.
32.Ancient history amazes me.
33.I believe in ghosts, and aliens and other conspiracies.
34.I hate change but feel the need for it often.
35.Eggs make me want to throw up.
36.Reading is one of my favorite things to do.
37.I never wanted to be a fireman when I grew up, I always wanted to be a chef or actor.
38.I don't listen to entire songs.
39.I'm very materialistic and I hate it.
40.I think oranges with seeds taste better.
41.Pizza tastes gross but I eat it anyway.
42.I love chemistry, but I suck at it.
43.I'm really shy when I first meet new people.
44.Advil is better then Tylenol.
45.I don't like not wearing a shirt.
46.I like to bake desserts.
47.I live from day to day.
48.I prefer to be early then on-time or late.
49.I'm afraid of failure.
50.I think everything happens for a reason.
51.I like animals more then humans most of the time.
52. I fall in love easily, but out of love even easier.

I found it!

Ok, back in my whole existenialism blog I was talking about a line that I loved, and I found it. It's from the movie Dogma, and although this movie was based as a comedy the under-lining theme is a master-piece in my opinion. Anyway the part I was talking about was a monolouge, here it is:

Azrael: Evil is an abstract! It's a human construct. But true to his irresponsible nature, Man won't own up to being the engineer of evil, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk. But his selfishness is limitless, and it's not enough for him to shadow his own existence. He turned Hell into a suffering Pit - fire, wailing, darkness - the kind of place anyone would do anything to get out of. And why? Because he lacks the ability to forgive himself. It is beyond your abilities to simply make recompense for and regret the sins you commit. No - you choose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your 'grievous offenses'. So you bring your guilt and inner-decay with you to Hell - where the horrid imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment give birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be 'punished'. And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and solitude to pain and misery. I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned. I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an angelic being. (beat) Would you like to glimpse pain eternal? Look...

I made cheesecake.

=D



The brown one is chocolate flavour and the green is mint.
I'll put more pictures up when its done cooking.
Mmm!

Docter, Docter, What am I here for?

Can't you see, I don't need this place?

Theories On Existentialism

For those of you who don't know what existentialism is, it is basically a philosophy that you are what you make of yourself.

I've just been thinking about the whole subject and just have my own spin on the entire philosophy.

First off, I think your world is what you make it and everything is relative. If you live in a world where the rain can damper your mood then you are going to be emotionally dependent on a third party source that you can't control and your moods will fluctuate at a constant rate. I think if you want to be happy you will be. Further more I think going into the whole God issue and what happens after death, again everything is relative and we are all connected. In my opinion there is no "God" and there is no "Devil" there is just living. You cycle from life to life being an unobstructed entity or something of the like. When dealing with hell I think the existence of it is in your own mindset. If you are living a life which is constantly one of stress and distress and anxiety then you are living in hell. But oppositely a person sitting two feet away can be living a life with a positive outlook and be living in heaven, which constitutes a more positive outlook. I can't even remember where i heard/read this but one of my favorite lines was when talking about hell the devil says "it is the thought of a human who makes hell a place of solitude and eternal torture that causes it to be so" basically again your world is what you make it. But in contrast to what said I don't believe in either Heaven or Hell. I believe in the connotation of such a place, and a human emotional attachment to a place that constitutes the feeling you are going through, much like phrases that try to postulate a bad day as being hell, or a much more pleasure filled day of being heavenly. I think if you just smite the entire idea of both heaven and hell and just think of living then you can lead a more wholesome life. I think the fear of being free and having complete control of your life is so monstrous to a person they prefer to hide behind morals of a certain figure and try living in the eyes of that person, as if to live up to their belief. So, keeping that in mind I feel you can view people such as Gandhi to be taken as a religion. I believe in the human of Jesus Christ, that he was a person who captivated the mindset of so many people with his belief system of morals and wrongs and rights that it became a wide spread ideal to be just like him, almost like fame in celebrity these days but on a much more envy based level. I mean that in a way that people wished they had the ability of Jesus to have such a belief in something as to literally die in the name of it. Which just brings me to the topic of How did we get here? Why are we here? What is the point of life? My abstract answer is simply to live and exist. How did we get here? I think we started off as an idea, a principle of existence and then from that principle we grew into existence, and everything grew from there. Why are we here? To once again exist. We are here to live, and love and exist and then do it again. The gift of life is huge and why people can't take it for a reason to be here I don't understand. And finally what is the point of life? I hate to reiterate but, to exist. The point of life is simply to live, and with so many people who think life is all about money and beauty, that's just there points in life. I mean I'm not going to give up all my worldly possessions and go live in a moss cabin for the rest of my life because that's not what I think my existence is for. I want to live, love, and laugh. Why can't that be my point in life? Why do I have to follow the path of some other persons views and beliefs that don't even coincide with my own. I don't. That's my exact point, and which is why I think existentialism is one of the most revolutionary and thought provoking philosophies out to date. Now I know it might sound hypocritical saying, Oh this is so right , yet someone else thought up this method, and I'm not going to try and say I thought of it before I read about it, but I just feel after reading about it and thinking and making my own conclusions that it is the most correct way of living. I mean, I think every single thing born is an existentialist. You choose to believe in a God that will be hold a grudge and besmirch you for defying him. You choose to be employed at a place where you can only go so far. I just think you entire world is what you make it and everything you do is right in your mind, it is the morals of others that fall onto you that make you feel guilt and resent certain things when at that moment, for even a split second, it felt right and was what you were meant to do. I'm sure I have contradicted myself enough to cause a huge on slay of hate for this entire thing, but I don't care, you can't tell me I'm wrong in what I feel. Since everything has a symbol I have decided that my life and morals and principles can be shown by the infinity symbol, sideways eight if you don't know what it looks like, because I feel that everything is connected and you can't expect to understand everything while your running your course, you can't expect to see the end when your only in the middle, you can postulate and ponder but you can't know.

That's just my thinking for the day.
enjoy?

Good Morning Sunshine

Good Morning Sun,
I haven't seen you in a while.

The world to me.

These people mean the world to me, regardless of how I show it.

May 16th

I don't know what I've started here. A collection of thoughts, an abstract transgression of events and occurrences through any medium possible to convey every/anything I'm feeling.
This is not me screaming how deep I am
This is not me proclaiming to be better then you
This is not me trying to be perverse
It just is what is, take it or leave it.